weekly lust list...

Boucle jackets (still), especially this one which is fucking LUSH

This body, which I fantasize about wearing when I am skinny again and can show off my lean physique...

I plan to team it with some high waisted denim shorts and either converse (cos i'm so indie), my bonny boots or some Topshop platform heels...watch this space

And gold/silver torcs..I know they were big last season but i've just caught on and am obsessed. My friend Alice has one and it's amazing. I've just got one off eBay for £11, I can't wait to try it I hope it's nice! Looks a bit like this. I'm gonna team it with the grey dress I bought; coincidentally I think it would also look good with the body or boucle jacket featured above....oooh a little capsule outfit I think is calling to me!

Also, this week, I am lusting after cavaliers in human clothes. This is probably going to be an ongoing thing.

blah

This week I have caved on my healthy regime and eaten terribly :( chocolate, hot chocolate, chai lattes, pizza, chips, cheese, you name it! I normally have bran flakes for breakfast but today I had two crumpets :/

I think it's because i've eaten well for so long and not allowed myself anything bad i've ended up really craving calories and junk, because i've had no real cheat days. I've also noticed that since i've been back at uni I have been starving all the time! I've definitely been eating more, even if it's just a nice latte on a cold morning but it all adds up. I need to be stricter with myself because I was really starting to see progress. 

I think also i've been feeling stressed since I started back at uni and it's really tempting to comfort eat. I keep feeling gloomy then thinking, ooh i'll go to the cupboard and see what's in it. I'm not snacking per se, but just consuming more calories. 

Apart from eating badly, i've just been working hard at uni. I got this book off eBay for £40 when it should be £60 so quite pleased about that, now I just have to read it all cause it's essential to my dissertation. Academic books are so pricey, all the ones I really want to buy are between £60 and £80!!

I still don't know if I OFFICIALLY have the job at the Bridal Boutique but I went the other day and met the girls and I've got my first full shift on Saturday...how exciting! I've been looking for clothes for the new job but I can't decide what's best. I tried on a nice jersey black skirt to team with a blouse the other day but I felt like it accentuated my stomach fat so I didn't purchase it :( it was only £16 so maybe I should just buy it as a stand in for now! I did buy this dress though, which I am so happy about because I wanted it last season and it sold out everywhere so I grabbed it ASAP!

It's a really nice flattering fit and also really generous so I bought a size 10 and it fits perfect, which is always a nice boost for the self esteem haha! There's a few on the Topshop website in different colours like ice blue and burgundy. They had one in forest green but it sold out so i'm waiting for it to come back in stock before I pounce! Aha!!

I feel really restless at the moment, I think i've got quite a lot of latent anger. I don't know why really I just feel frustrated. Maybe it's because I am fat, or because I'm still waiting to become a teacher when I just want to be one now. Maybe it's because I just want to get on with my life and start settling down and it seems like everyone and everything is against me. Everything seems so far away, and I can't enjoy the here and now because the things that make me happy aren't achievable like that. That's why, I think, I went so crazy with shopping and buying and stuff over the last few years because I feel unsatisfied and I was trying to convince myself I could be happy with material things. I'm so unhappy with material things!! They don't give you anything back!

Anyway think i'm gonna dedicate another post to said latent anger to try and thrash my feelings out on the page. Hopefully it will help! I'm kind of sick of the whole cute blog thing, all the blogs I see are cool/cute people talking about food and fashion and which beauty products go with oily skin blah blah it's not my thing! I don't really use beauty products apart from the makeup I wear and don't change, and I don't buy really many clothes any more so can't talk about that! I feel really inadequate because all my posts are like half bakes entries about a random dress I got off eBay or what I ate when I went a local restaurant. Hardly riveting stuff.

But it's not the fashionable thing, or so it seems, to blog about sex or politics or current issues, it's all wistful images of victoria sponges etc! As much as I love the food stuff, which i'm not gonna stop, I think i'm going to take this blog off facebook so I can start talking about things that mean something to me/piss me off/make me tic without offending anyone, or it getting back to anyone else. 

weekly update

Oscar being cute; my new candle; nephew's toy dinosaur that I stole; mid week reading; first autumnal morning of the year; scrabble pub sesh with sausage casserole; shopping and hot chocs with the sister; vase lust; good girlfriend behaviour.

IN OTHER NEWS...

...Dissertation is going much better and I resolved all my issues with my tutor which is good. She invited me to her Charles I party in November where she wears black in mourning of his death!

...I handed in my notice at AllSaints :( I am sad to leave all my lovely colleagues but at the same time I really need a job closer to home because of the sheer volume of uni work I have. GRIM TYMZ.

...I got a job at a bridal boutique about 5 mins walk from Jack's house (I think)! She's told me to come in & do some shifts but I don't know if it's just a trial or if I have the job. I pray that I do haha but i'll keep you posted...

...things in my personal life are a bit stressful at the moment but i'm hoping it can all be resolved soon. I'm feeling pooey and I don't want it to get in the way of uni cos when i'm stressed I just distract myself with random shit instead of actual work!

I've gotta do loads of reading over the weekend cos i'm handing in my diss proposal on monday afternoon ://////// all I want to do is make pancakes and watch singing in the rain with my sister but I suppose that will come all in good time!

My family used to go on holiday to Keldy log cabins in North Yorkshire every year until I was about 13. There's no better feeling than forgetting everything about your life back home and immersing yourself in the countryside. I definitely think I would appreciate that more now than I was when I was 12!

They have a range of log cabins deep in the forest, and I've just seen that they have a new edition: a two-part tree house connected by a wooden bridge. One of the buildings is a log cabin but the other is a house on stilts wrapped around a tree. I wish right now I could go there and forget about all this university stress, but it's always better having something to work towards :)

family tymz

All the family came round yesterday, and we had a big buffet and games evening. Buffets in the Cuthbert-Oakes household are a big event; even though we always say we will have a more low key event than last time, each time actually gets more extravagant! Me and Jack did most of the cooking yesterday, which was really nice.

What we ate: pork pie, sausage rolls, smoked salmon and watercress on toast, quiche, pulled pork and stuffing sandwiches, fresh roast chicken thighs, hummus with celery and pitta, guyere and red onion focaccia, handcut potato wedges and pastrami, emmental & pickle mini subs. For dessert we had gluten free chocolate and lime torte & Pimms Eton mess.

What we drank: merlot, pinot grigio & champagne (we were celebrating but it's a secret what right now).

What we played: Bezzerwizzer (It's a Cuthbert/Oakes thing, no one else has heard of this!).

The day was a great way to relax after a stressful start to the weekend...Uni is already really intense, and I had an email of my dissertation tutor asking me to have my dissertation proposal ready for this week, when they are due in in January! I'm all for getting an early start but it seems extreme. I haven't been sure on which area to study of my chosen period, and somehow this has filtered back to my tutor who is now worried i'm going to fall behind. This makes me MAD because I've been the person who from week one was actively planning work and meeting potential dissertation tutors. 

Right now i'm not really feeling very positive about the whole thing, I feel like i'm being pushed along which has never worked for me in terms of productivity, and it's definitely not going to help me think of a question any sooner. I really wish I had got on to the PGCE course for this year and I didn't have to do a masters but I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles!

I am not going to give up so I have to keep going but i'll be honest i'm not filled with joy at the thought of doing this for a full year when after three weeks i'm already dreading going in.

In other, happier news, I am trying to arrange meeting a breeder so I can go and meet the parents of the puppy we will be getting in February/March. It's really making me commit to my uni work, because if I am snowed under with that then I will never be able to look after a baby dog!

Anyway, I have to go and collate some sources on manifestations of religious devotion in the period 1558-1625, so if you don't hear from me again, it's probably because i've expired from stress!!